Introducing: The Tail.

If you have been noticing, the style of this blog posts has changed within the last 3 months, perhaps. I feel guilty to this blog (well, this means to myself) by mixing up personal gloomy things into this blog, which supposed to be all about ideas.

So I made a separate blog, which serves as a intended place for all the meaningless scribble on the paper. I call it: The Tail.

By making the The Tail, I hope that I can keep writing my rational thoughts here.

Feel free to visit The Tail. Beware, don't get trapped.

I am not okay,

but I know I will be fine.

Heartless Lolipop

They say I have no heart.

If that's so...

Why do you keep existing in my world, conciously and subconciously?

Who says we are enemies?

I was waiting for my order to be done, when the cashier called me, "Miss?"

"Yes?"

"Indonesia?"

I smiled, "Yeah".

The cook was also there while cooking my prata, and said, "saya bisa lihat."

They were both Malaysians, and they were so happy to see that I'm from Indonesia. We chatted for awhile. Although they spoke Malay and I spoke Indonesian, we understand well what each was saying.

After my prata was done, the cook put it in my tray. I left with a simple terima kasih and a smile on my face.

------

They say Indonesia and Malaysia are enemies. But I witnessed quite the opposite just now. 

Both Indonesia and Malaysia came from the same root: Malay. We have this friendly culture that I don't find much here. For us, though, we are not enemies. We are family.

Externalities

I am now reading Super Freakonomics by Steven Levitt and Stephen Dubner. The book introduced the term "externalities" which refers to a situation that unintentionally induces unpredictable effects.

I was a loyal music student to a particular music school for 14 years. Personally, I didn't think I was that good, but eventually I got to the top-most class in the nation (or perhaps above national level).

Being in the top-most class is not easy. I'm not talking about the effort, but... well, externalities.

The objective of top-most class is understandable: gathering the most brilliant students to make them more brilliant, as well as offering them career opportunities. Obviously, the school is happy to get its top students to demonstrate their abilities, which contributes to its good reputation (and eventually profits). Therefore, the objective of the top-most class has shifted. In contrast to regular class that pursue merely knowledge, top-most class rather pursue fame, respect, and money.

The other classes work in a similar way as a regular class in a regular school. The students attend such class to pursue knowledge (or for the sake of their parents, whatsoever). For the relationship within the students, the only challenge underlying is just the competition on pursuing knowledge: who is the smartest of all, who got a better marks than the others. This is okay. Although there might be some that are more ambitious than others, it is possible to build a healthy relationship this way.

What if we add money into the objective of the class?

Flawed my logic could be. I would say that money brings a sense of insecurity: what should I do to earn more, how do I get better career than him, what if he performs better that I might be losing my career. This insecurity is what keeps the gap. Not just the students can never have pure trust with each other, but also they are urged to step on one another.

It is ironic that, in my case, this class gave me friends that I want to have for a life time. Yet, along the way, the money-driven (and fame-driven) competitions broke our friendship.

This externalities may not be representative, or even may not be true at all. One thing I can say, now that I have left the school for 1,5 years, I realized that it was nothing personal. Our friendship is perfectly fine. It's just nearly impossible for us to build a healthy relationship in the money-competitive society.

I am on the verge of sanity

Would you catch me if I fall?

Dua Gunung dan Matahari

obrolan dengan Papa di malam hari membawaku ke sini.

Manusia itu diciptakan serupa dengan Allah. Manusia itu diciptakan menurut citra Allah. Itu yang menyebabkan manusia bisa menciptakan apapun yang dia pikirkan.

Tantangannya, bagaimana manusia meredam rasa 'manusia'nya: segala rasa pesimis, pikiran negatif, dan halangan-halangan yang manusia ciptakan sendiri dipikirannya.

Masalahnya, mengapa manusia tetap menyimpan ke'manusia'annya; bahkan memaksakan ke'manusia'an tersebut?

Kalau manusia diciptakan menurut cipta Allah, kalau manusia bisa mencipta, mengapa masih ada paradigma dua gunung dan matahari?

looks familiar, no?

Thanksgiving

My friends and I actually planned on having thanksgiving dinner with all the turkey today, but...

Whatever. (Now I know how unfocused I am)

Since it's still thanksgiving day, I think it's perfect to have a post dedicated to things I'm glad to have. (I once decided to make 365 give thanks, but it didn't work)

Let me start:

I'm thankful that I still have time to sit back and be thankful, despite my 14-hours-at-school routine (every single day -including weekends).

I'm thankful that I'm now settled and fine, to be healthy and still energized regarding my hectic schedule.

I'm thankful to have new friends -Valen, Max, Gama- that keep me on track. To have such supporting friends on this new adventure is a blessing. I would not be as strong as I am now without them being by my side at all times.

I'm thankful that I can still keep my bestfriends close though distance separates us. We still have the conversation going everyday as if we're still in high school. I would not keep being sane without our insanity. I love you, Iput, Angie, Zena.

I'm thankful to have the best teachers I could have: Sylvia, Jeremy, and Katherine. I can turn my weaknesses to strength because of them. I am pushed to correct my mistakes. I am given the opportunity to make up my failure, and moreover to improve my skills by having them as my teachers.

I'm thankful that I can still feel my parents' love though we're far away. I can still rely on them, though we don't talk to each other that often.

I have been living here for a month. Tough it might be. I may not recall ever single things I did over a month, but I'm thankful for every single of it.

I will never regret my life today. I will never regret that I failed to enter SMU directly, for this is the best path I could have.

Fangirl

Guys, if you push yourself too hard, try being a fan. Go watch movies, TV series, concerts, whatever! Find any movies / TV series / musician / any figure that means a lot to you, and be a fan of them.

I believe everyone needs a "fandom"ing time once in a while. That's what keeps you sane.

For me, Valerius is my drugs. My belief about their coming to Jakarta annually is what keeps me sane.

I love you, Valerius. Please come back next year, or sooner will do better <3

History

I just read my older blog posts and I think "Whoa. That was my writing?"

I used to have some blogs and delete the posts frequently. But now I don't. I believe everything I thought and wrote in the past, makes me who I am today. I know it's sometimes embarassing to read my thoughts in the past, but I found it's magical to see the transformations of the past-me to the present-me. It's historical.

3 months and a half

Woke up at 3 am for no reason.

It's been 3 months and a half since I finished my high school studies. Yet, I still have two months ahead to start college.

What do I do? That's the question people keep asking.

I travelled. 3 times, to at least 8 city. From Semarang to Lasem, from Bali to Jember. Two of my mom's fasctinations are travelling and taking photos. So we accompany her pursuing her passion.

I spent 3 months waiting for THIS college result. I've studied hard within the first 2 weeks, but I failed the test. I've done another tests at two different universities, I got them, I want this college so badly that I dare to risk those university offers. Good thing, I'm finally accepted to SMU Bridging Programme. The announcement was just 2 weeks ago. So basically I waited in most of my time.

I try to be more financially productive (and experienced) by teaching a 9-year-old piano student. His name is Raphael. He got the potencial of playing music by ear; however, this ability has not been developed by his former music teacher. So I challenged him to figure out the notes of the grandfather's clock in his house, and give him reward afterward. We started it off simple, I hope he can do much more later.

I produce songs. I've been composing several random pop songs since late last year. I had the ideas in my mind but I didn't have much time to make them happen. It's just last week that I found a website named Soundcloud and honestly, it brings my spirit back.

I spend time with my friends (because that's what we do, right?) through whatever: social media, chatting, meeting. Meeting was pretty intensive back then. But now that fate has destined us to live where we should be living and time has taken us apart from each other, it is something precious.

You see, I'm moving. I'm not like any couch potatoes out there. I'm just not living in routine.




Last word: I'm not afraid of moving forward.

Rescue Me (original)

Rescue Me (original)

hi. I made this today. Simply click the link above to hear my work. Lyrics below :)

Rescue Me

Sailing alone on this ocean of misery
Telling myself to keep rowing
I see no clue of the finish line
Not even a light on the horizon

This feeling is getting heavy on my chest
I got no one to blame, no one to save me
Nobody knows where this feeling may take you up to
I see no sign of the finale

The water is reaching my feet
I close my eyes and wish I had a stronger ship

I send SOS but no one come to save me
Maybe there's even no one on the bay
You see my boat is finally sinking
I'm beginning to drown by myself
Please somebody rescue me

buat kamu

buat kalian yang udah mewarnai hidupku selama umm... at least 1 tahun terakhir ini :)

Terima kasih, Angie Andriani dan Prameswari Noor Andytaputri :*

 

...pup, kalian <3